There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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