I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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