I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
