dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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