I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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