i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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