today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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