apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
