Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My feet surprised me
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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