Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
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