you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
