Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
