Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
