I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
