don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
