i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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