The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
this is an emotional support booty call
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
