it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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