here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
