chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
