atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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