Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
