And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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