I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
