i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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