the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
