i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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