Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
