Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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