im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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