Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The best revenge is premature balding
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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