I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
