i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
