No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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