he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
