12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
