He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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