Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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