this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
