Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
