I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
