Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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