They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
this boner is exhausting
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
