Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
