I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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