Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
