well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
