Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
