Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
