So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
