Someone shattered a urinal.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They took my balls.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
