Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
