My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
