I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
