I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
