Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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